One of the easiest words to say is no. It’s one of the first words we learn as a baby, but over time saying no becomes the hardest word for most of us.
We become people-pleasers, starting at a young age. Our parents and other authority figures teach us that we can only be good by doing what they say. Yet this way of thinking often leads to emotional and physical problems within ourselves.
Why are we afraid to say no?
Saying no is different for each of us. One reason could be out of fear the other person will respond with anger. They may even reject us. For me, I felt as though people wouldn’t like me. To be a nice person, I thought I could never say no.
It’s essential to be aware of this the next time you want to say no and don’t. What caused you to say yes when you wanted to say no? Once you are aware of why you do it, then you can start to learn to break the habit of doing it.
What is so bad about saying yes to everyone?
Think about the last time you said yes to something you didn’t want to do. Did you hate it? You may even have been resentful towards that person because you genuinely didn’t want to do it, but you couldn’t say no to them. This behavior causes us to hurt ourselves and to harbor bad feelings towards others.
When we say yes and our bodies are saying no, we’ve had enough today, we are also hurting our health. We become stressed when we do more than our mind and body can handle.
For example: Perhaps you are already stretched beyond measure. You’ve worked all day, picked up the kids, cooked dinner, helped with homework, and then grandma calls. She wants to know if you can run out to the grocery store for her and pick up her Geritol.
How do you feel the moment you say, yes?
It’s 9:00 pm and your exhausted. Now, you must get back out to go to the store. You haven’t had a moment alone with your spouse. You need to get the kids in bed.
Most likely, you feel resentful. You might even be furious at grandma that she thinks her Geritol is a high priority after the day you’ve had. Why can’t she wait until the next day?
Off you go to the store to get Grandma some Geritol.
Now, you are exhausted, upset with yourself, and resentful towards your grandma. All of which could have been avoided if you had only said no.
“Grandma, I would love to get your Geritol tonight, but it’s been a rough day for me, and I need to get some sleep, could I pick it up for you tomorrow and bring it by?”
If grandma truly cares about you (and I’m sure she does, she’s your grandma), she will be okay with that. Even better, she will call someone else who maybe didn’t have the exhausting day you did.
What people fail to do most is look at it from the other person’s perspective. Grandma has no idea of everything you did all day. In her world, Geritol is the most important thing. If she forgets to have you pick it up now, she isn’t going to remember to tell you tomorrow. That’s why she called at 9:00 pm. She’s retired, she has no sense of time.
The first thing we must learn is that people see things from their view. That is why communication and self-awareness are so important.
If you are one of those, who have a hard time setting boundaries and saying no, try these ten tips.
1. Be mindful.
Notice how you feel when you say yes. When you get to the core issue of why this doesn’t make you feel good, you can then express this to the other person next time they ask. It could be that you’re tired or it could be this person always asks for help, and it takes time from your family. Whatever it is, look inside yourself and notice what your feeling.
2. Buy yourself some time.
If you need to think about why you want to say no, then express that. “Let me think about it, and I’ll get back to you” This helps you think things through before you respond.
3. Validate the other person.
Their needs and desires are essential to them. When we acknowledge those, we are letting them know they matter to us even though we can’t be there for them. Be clear as to why you are not going to do it. For example, In the case of grandma, you could say. “Grandma, I know that you want me to go get your Geritol tonight, but I’m exhausted. I’m unable to take care of that for you at this time.” When we explain why we are unable to do it, we are letting them know we value them even though we can’t do what they ask.
4. Respected people say no.
You don’t want to become someone’s mat; they walk on all the time. Continually saying yes, will not make anyone think you’re a good person. Surprisingly, people have more respect for those who say no.
5. Keep it simple.
Some people don’t need an explanation. If you find that you are at the end of a bloodsucker that is using you, keep your response simple. “I’m sorry, but I can’t help you.” Eventually, they will take the hint and won’t ask again.
6. Don’t let others make you feel guilty.
People will try all sorts of ways to manipulate and make you feel guilty. Recognize this and acknowledge that you are aware of what they are doing. You might say something like, “I told you no, and now you are making me feel guilty, that is not acceptable.” If they continue, create some distance between them and you for a while. Send them a clear message, you have boundaries, and they’ve crossed them. If they want, you in their life, they will start respecting those boundaries.
The only people that get angry when you set boundaries are the people that benefited from them the most. – Unknown
7. Prioritize who you say yes too.
Interestingly, it’s our children and our spouse we are most comfortable saying no to, not everyone else. That’s the opposite of what it should be. Your children (unless they have their own families and have left home) and our spouse should be our top priority. When we say yes to others more than we do them, we are hurting those relationships. Always put yours and their needs first before others.
8. How about a compromise?
You should only offer a compromise if you genuinely want to say yes but have limited time to help. An agreement could be, “I would love to go get your Geritol grandma, but it’s going to put me behind if I do. How about you make me that amazing casserole of yours so I don’ t have to cook tomorrow night and can get some rest then?” Yes, score!!! You created a compromise, and you’re going to get fed. Bravo.
9. I think I feel I want.
These three phrases can have a considerable impact. It’s validating yourself and why you’re important too. Use these phrases often so that you can communicate better with others. Some examples would be: “I would love to help you, but I feel your taking advantage of my kindness.”, “I wish I could help, but I think I have a previous engagement on that day.”, “I want you to learn to help yourself because I won’t always be available.”
10. Practice.
Stand in front of a mirror (we do this for interviews and singing our favorite songs, why not do it for practicing to say no?) Go over some role plays with yourself and say no to each of them. You might even practice with your spouse because you are the most comfortable (or should be) with them.
Make a game of it. Explain what you are doing and have them give you situations where they are asking for your help (with the intent you are going to tell them no). When they are aware, you are working towards this goal; they should be supportive and willing to help you. It will benefit them because now your able to free up time to spend nurturing that relationship more.
Remember, learning to say no won’t happen overnight. You are retraining your thoughts, and it won’t feel natural to you to say no at first. You’ve spent how many years old you are as a people pleaser? It is going to take time, but I promise you it will be worth it. Now go about your day and remember to say no to someone!
Well, before you start saying no. How about you say yes one last time! Are you signed up for my weekly mindfulness challenge? Each week I add a new challenge to bring you closer to becoming present in your life. If you would like to join me on this journey of mindful living, sign up here.
Peace & Love,
Ela
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