Anyone that has ever been through a divorce knows how hard it is. If you have children, co-parenting makes it even harder. Let’s explore how to be mindful during and after your divorce, as you co-parent with your ex.
My parents divorced when I was twenty-four. Years later, I was in the car with one of my parents when they started talking about my other parent. They were letting me know that they had a conversation with a co-worker about their marriage. The co-worker had concluded and advised them that my other parent had been abusive.
This did not sit well with me. This “co-worker” did not know my other parent and only heard one side of the story. The fact my parent was telling me this story, made it even worse. I was not happy and let it be known.
My childhood was amazing. I loved both my parents, and there was never abuse in my family. My parents rarely even argued. For someone to try and convince me otherwise, was not going to end well.
I’ve been around people who talk badly about the other parent in front of their child. They even share their divorce problems with their children. I’ve never understood this.
I divorced my husband when my youngest was three.
I remember picking him after being at his dad’s for the weekend. He was about six years old. As we were driving off, he said that his dad and his dad’s girlfriend didn’t like me, and they always say bad things about me. I adjusted the rearview mirror so that I could look at him in the back seat during this conversation.
“Well, how does that make you feel when they say those things?” I asked
“It doesn’t make me feel good, mommy.” He replied
“Do you think I’m a good mommy?” I asked
“Yes, I do, I think you’re the best mommy in the world.”
“Ok,” I said, “Then what matters to me is what you think. I’m sorry you had to listen to that.”
The conversation was over. Yet, this conversation would repeat many times over the years. I had to bite my tongue many times as I heard stories from my child about something their father or his girlfriend would say about me. I never engaged in talking badly about them in return. Instead, I taught my children to base their feelings about people how people treat them, not what they say about me.
What you are saying when you talk to your kids negatively about the other parent is this: Your feelings mean more to you than theirs do. It’s that simple.
You should be doing what is best for your child first — not teaching them how to hate or causing them stress. Whether you succeed in turning your child against the other parent or not, depends on the child. If they see through what you are doing, then it could end up badly for you. Whatever the result is, you’ve damaged your child. At some point in their life, someone will pay for the damage you’ve caused.
If you recognize this in your parenting, I challenge you to take a moment to become very self-aware.
Sit back and reflect as to why you are doing this. What are you getting out of it?
Is it selfishness? Perhaps, the other parent hurt you. They might have been the one initiating the breakup, and this is your way of getting even. You want to hurt them by keeping the one thing from them that they love. It’s a way of punishing the other parent for not loving you.
Maybe it’s a lack of self-confidence. You lack in an area where you feel the other parent doesn’t. To make yourself feel better, you try to make the other parent less appealing.
It may be something completely different, that is for you to figure out. When you start to recognize why you do it is when you can begin to heal yourself.
If you want to be a more mindful parent, practice the following:
- Make an agreement – Sit down with your child and apologize. Tell them what made you act this way. If it’s selfishness, tell them you’ve been selfish, but you are going to do better. Being open and honest with them will teach them to be open and honest. Agree with them that you will never speak badly of their other parent, and if you do, they can call you out on it.
- Self-Awareness – You need to become self-aware that you are doing this. If you’ve done this regularly, you are going to mess up at some point. Recognize that and make immediate steps to apologize to your child and the other parent.
- Your child’s perspective – Before you speak of another parent, look at it from your child’s perspective. How do you think this makes them feel? I promise you; they aren’t feeling happy inside if you are talking badly about someone they love.
- Trust your child – If the other parent is as bad you think they are, your child will see that all on their own. They don’t need your influence.
- Communicate – If the other parent has done something that you don’t understand, ask them why they did it. Keep this conversation between the two of you and do not involve your child.
- Listen – Your child may come to you with issues they have with the other parent. You must stay neutral and listen. Don’t offer your advice or opinions about the other parent. Listen to them and encourage them to speak to the other parent about any issues they have.
- Focus – Your opinion on how your ex parents, should never leave your thoughts. If you think they are a terrible parent, keep it to yourself. You stay focused on your relationship with your child and let them focus on theirs.
- Let them be loved – The best thing for a child is to have as many people as possible loving them. Your child will be healthier and happier to feel the love from everyone. Always encourage relationships with stepparents as well.
If you would like further reading on parenting in general, I suggest the book The 10 Greatest Gifts I Give My Children by Steven Vannoy. It’s been around a long time as my children are grown now, but it helped me be the kind of parent I wanted to be. You can also read my previous article: Learning to Love Unconditionally
Although I have not personally read these, I have heard good things about these two books as well: Mindful Co-Parenting: A Child-Friendly Path through Divorce and Co-Parenting with a Toxic Ex: What to Do When Your Ex-Spouse Tries to Turn the Kids Against You
Always put your child’s feelings before your own, and you can’t go wrong!
Peace & Love,
Ela
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